Mistaken Compassion by Beth Lee-Herbert

True compassion, or empathic concern, is one of the most sublime of all human impulses. We reach toward a greater universal purpose by joyfully extending from our hearts out of our small measly sense of self. Not only does this benefit others; through selflessly extending a hand to those less fortunate, we ourselves feel nourished and uplifted. Even just the compassionate impulse welling forth creates great peace and joy within.

However, even with the best of intentions to generate compassion, there are ways we go astray by deluding ourselves. This becomes apparent when, instead of feeling nurtured by offering compassion in thought or deed, we are left with the bitter taste of negative emotion.

One way we do this is by acting compassionately for others’ approval. If we are acting in a seemingly compassionate way so that others think highly of us, our motivation is still fundamentally self-centered. Even though our actions from the outside seem flawlessly selfless, our motivation is actually to get something for ourselves. Sometimes this is praise or a reward from another person. Other times, even subtler, the reward comes from ourselves: wanting to prove to ourselves that we are worthy by being a good person. We feel compelled to give to others to cover up our own shame. Because we are still fundamentally self-seeking, we end up angry or burned out when we don’t get what we want from the situation. We feel unappreciated or hollow from giving. We push ourselves past our natural limits in the hopes of receiving love, from others and from ourselves.